I know a person who has an opinion about everyone. It is interesting and sometimes comedic to listen to because the focus is always about how others should speak, act, and live. I find these opinions even more comedic because they come from someone who has a long way to go to get their own life focused, but the attitude and comments are directed at people who are successful and contributing members of our society. They don’t deserve criticism, but rather applause!
So be it, but what if this person practiced the art of allowing. Dictionary.com describes my definition of allowing, thus;
…to permit something to happen or to exist…
To permit something to happen or exist – what a beautiful thought. Today a tweet went by sent out by S. Max Brown and it said:
Imagine the productivity gains if we just treated each other better.
We hear people describe how they wish to be treated, but sometimes people fail to recognize a key component to relationships also depends upon how they treat others. One large piece of the solution is found in the art of allowing.
Allowing is about not trying to change someone to be like you or perform for you. It is about not having unrealistic selfish expectations about who they are to you, but rather finding out ‘their way’ of loving us, working with us and being a part of the team.
Allowing is about letting others fly their Freak Flag as Joe Gerstandt aptly describes in his talks, on twitter and every Friday on his blog. Allowing is a two way activity. Allowing is about being responsible in that you act according to the true you inside and respectfully allow others to do the same.
Many years ago I was describing to a wise friend what I needed from someone else and she told me;
“But it is not their way.”
This made me think long and hard about whom I decided the other person ‘should be’ while failing to appreciate who they actually are. And yes, even for someone who typically hurts people and needs to be avoided you have the opportunity to ‘allow’ them to be who they are, even if it means the solution is to stay far away.
You see, we have no power to change another, we can only change ourselves and our reaction to others.
What allowing is:
- Seeing the strengths and unique qualities that make the other person special.
- Letting the other person define their own dreams and goals.
- Seeing the true gifts and being grateful for what the other person has given you.
- Accepting all of the above as a celebration of another person you have the honour and privilege to know.
What allowing is NOT:
- Selfish opinions about what another person should be doing for you.
- Attempting to step on the dreams of another because you don’t agree with them.
- Seeing only what you want from them rather than what you can give.
- Complaining or whining about how someone else behaves or acts.
The art of allowing travels hand in hand with maturity. You see, there was a time when I failed to practice it myself, and I slip with my own children every once in a while because of my passionate desire to help them along in life. But for the most part, it has been the greatest and most life changing action I have ever taken to improve my own personal and business relationships.
When to start? Start now, this minute. Think about the people you interact with every day and take that huge weight of disallowing off of your shoulders by letting them be who they are, let it go! It will feel so good not to own someone else’s life and begin focusing on your own. Is it easy? No way and not for a minute, as my friend Zane Safrit says, “It is tough” Will it change your life? Definitely!
Now, allow me to thank you for reading this far.
Patti Blackstaffe works with people and organizations to develop Happy Workplaces world-wide guiding them toward mastery and leadership through advising, coaching, speaking, and delivering training.
You can contact Patti at 1-855-968-5323 | contact her here | book her to speak
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An excellent article Patti.
I love you list of ‘what allowing is’. In my work I also remind clients to ask another question: do you think the other person brings good intentions to the table? Do they intend to do the right thing. And the answer most of the time is ‘yes’.
To which my response is ‘then don’t forget that the next time you feel like they have let you down or betrayed you through some slight. They meant well. Their intentions were good.
Now I will add “So allow them to be, and focus on being grateful for the relationships.”
Thank you Clemens,
“Do you think the other person brings good intentions to the table?” An excellent question. Indeed, few people actually approach others with poor intentions – thank you for the kind comment – It is a message that certainly has made a difference for me.
Well…this is an excellent post! Or I should say “This is another excellent post!”
As drivers, entrepreneurs, leaders…people, we have the gift of seeing possibilities. For those nearest and dearest us, we see many good and wonderful possibilities at their fingertips and yes, at ours too if they…just…do…this one thing…change that one…feature, quirk, bad habit, behavior or learn this thing.
And it has been, for me, so tempting to assume the ‘means justify the ends’ and just, you know, push or prod or yes manipulate the situation to ‘help’ hasten this change…in them, mind you.
And yeah, sometimes it worked, briefly. Always briefly. Because the progress is built on a foundation of illusion. Ok, sometimes deceit.
And as your friend shared and you wrote…”But it is not their way.” “Their way” is the way of strength, consistency, sustainability, respect, commitment for them and ultimately for us.
I got a little carried away here. But it is such a great post on such a great point, challenge, we all face leading, growing, inspiring…living.
Thanks.
And knowing that I inspired you…is a big inspiration for me. All the best!
Zane,
What a superb contribution to the blog, your comments are very typical of all of us when we see that spark and wish to help it along, faster, quicker, and find success FOR someone else. We do it because we can see it, we can feel it and we know it is just out there beyond their reach.
We have the ability to see something they cannot yet see, and their vision is clouded by their own experiences and beliefs, and truly caring about them is to allow them to write their own movie. And often, you are an inspiration, and I thank you for that.